I Know What I Want

There are so many things I enjoy in my life.  I am really enjoying blogging by the way...

I love to be creative, productive and active. It's so fun to go out and meet the day. I love

spending time with my family, cooking, photography, playing music, writing music, singing

to the radio, appreciating art, friends, prayer, looking ahead to brighter tomorrows.

There is so much life to inhale and not enough time. Children are amazing and beautiful.

I love seeing them dressed up in bright colors, the wind in their hair and bright smiles.

I love watching them grow and develop their minds. All children are wonderful, especially my own.

I look forward to each day how they grow and learn to love themselves, eachother and God.

I love to give to those in need and buy gifts for friends. It can be a small gift or large, it really does not

matter. I am always anxious to help people get by because I know what it's like to have a favor given

times of need. Today is a new day to live, love, laugh and explore!  I am grateful for my life!

RAIN

Splish Splosh go my goloshes in the rain, rain, rain

 Calico cat tip-toeing across the shiny, black, asphalt

Running fast, then slow, shivering she darts in between droplets of colorful rain

Swirls of magenta, blue and purple bead up beneath my feet

Cold  and shivering knees

splattered with rain and tiny goose pimples

Proudly they stand on my bare and exposed skin 

Winds blow, sprays the rain towards my face

Wet and cold 

Warm and dry underneath my rain clothes

Tiny drops of rain dew bounce and settle on my thin brows

 Red-burning, wet and frozen

Stiff are my hands 

Numbed fingers reach for the edges of my knitted sleeves

fingertips, pull and stretch, woven colored yarn wrapped around my fingertips

down and stretching tight over my burning cold and wet hands

Spinning black tires race around the corner alongside the curb 

The sidewalk sizzles with a spray of  RAIN RAIN RAIN

I am drenched.  My senses are stirred with the smell of rain on redwood bark that line the crooked 


sidewalk and pathways

Two birds fly overhead


Swiftly they fly and gracefully they land atop a naked and weathered Birchwood branch 


drip drip drip and rolling beads of Rain Rain Rain...

Noisily rain drops into metal roof gutters 


In a hurry...........rushing through pipe drains and along painted side panels of houses...


drip drop drip drop atop my colorful and transparent vinal umbrella

A melody swirls around my head so I skip and turn 


It's fun to kick the rain

Up goes my umbrella in to the rainy air

Down in a heartbeat in comes sailing 


Turning, spinning, rolling,  from wire to wire bouncing over pot holes and pools

Standing closer and closer yet 


I dare not get completely wet


A mirror of the Heavens I see

Trees lumbering and standing tall


birds swiftly swoop across the sky


Oh look! There's ME

Raising my arm and waving hello 

I see my reflection

Isn't this GRAND 

I can see the WHOLE WORLD in puddles like these


Puddles reflecting people like ME 


when the RAIN comes down

I look Up

Tommorow

Yesterday has past with it's trials and cares. I was there and felt the pain in my body and my mind whirled with concern about the future. I saw the faces of my growing children stressed, but the sparkle in their eyes radiated determination and hope. I love them so. We are one less, but we still believe that one day she will return to us and be in our everyday life.

My motherly thoughts still race over the heads of my children when I bring them to mind.
I want to prepare them for the big world. I want them to succeed and to be able to provide for themselves. I know that God loves them more than I, but it is up to me to carefully build them
up into strong and balanced happy individuals. What makes a child happy? I can only look back at my childhood and days of my youth. The simple things come to mind. Warm food, a hug, a listening ear. I would turn to my parents in time of need and be grateful when they were able to help me. Sometimes rescuing me from running out of gas, sometimes lending money, sometimes taking time to just be present.

I am adjusting to this new stage when all of mine will be running out the door to catch up with their lives in the big world. I pray for them now, that their choices and steps will lead them to the hope of all hopes and the peace of all peace. Run to Jesus as fast as you can. It is in his heart that wholeness and happiness rests and waits for you, dear children.

I don't expect you to share in all the wisdom that your father and I have come to own.  God has prepared a personal wisdom that will meet up with ours and wisdom that will surpass anything we have ever understood to be true.

Tomorrow I hope to see you living your lives in peace and happiness. I love you, dear children, with my whole heart, and believe that the gift of your lives has caused me to grow and have a life that has been rich in grace, love and happiness! Each of you are so good and I marvel at your giftedness and hearts that are so beautiful and filled with  the love of God, that in turn reaches your siblings and we, your parents.  Tomorrow is not ours, but we can all be assured that when it comes, LOVE will be what make our dreams and hopes come true for tomorrows tomorrow, spilling into eternity!

The Back Side of Marriage

She awakens, rolls over slowly and faces the opposite side of the bedroom. She opens her eyes towards the doorway that is illuminated with light from the hallway just outside their bedroom. Clean shaven he walks diligently past her viewpoint dressed for work. Pressed shirt, strong tie, pressed slacks and energy in his step as he heads towards the front door to make his exit for his long commute. Today, she caught a glimpse of him, unlike other regular work days.  It's been this way for years, but neither of them mention it, because there are too many more important things to discuss.

They are "doing fine" as far as anyone can see.  There is food in house, the electric and phone bills got paid and she can still grab a hot cup of tea in the morning to get her going. What more would she need? She feels empty and sometimes tired and alone. How could this be when she is living the dream of being a married woman for more than 10 years and mother of growing children? This wasn't what she envisioned in years past.Distance grows between them daily, but there are plenty of distractions in the day to wear her out enough to look forward to a good night's rest. She is optimistic most days and laughs easily. Her children are active and have inquisitive minds. Their weeks are full and routine gives everyone a sense of stability. It gets easier to run away from her marriage that is struggling to survive.

Her husband was once her delight and she would proudly tell her close friends and family that he completed her. He was the one person she couldn't wait to talk to on the phone everyday, sometimes several times a day, or have come through the front door of the house from work or an outing.  She celebrated that the love they had for each other was their greatest reward they could ever have in life, along with, having their own children.

She often sees him anxious to get home to take care of his own needs and to escape the outside world and the pressures of work.  Stress has created a hard shell around his heart and he has lost interest in being creative about nurturing their relationship.  His eyes are blurred with tension and worry in regard to his responsibilities work and being a sole provider. Worry and frustration clutter his mind and he can't see past another day of complications.  She notices him on his cell phone talking about work related issues or behind his computer and there is no time for frivolity. Their conversations are mostly sterile and problem, work, and or task related.

She doesn't dream with him anymore or imagine herself with him on a tropical beach for extended periods of time. No get away weekends, flowers, coffee dates or surprise dinner dates. Those things never cross her mind. Now she dreams of when she could get a group of fun friends together and travel. Her dreams with him, earlier in the marriage, were always much bigger than the time she knew she had to accomplish them. Now they barely exist.

Too much need at the end of their paycheck was a primary pressure at this stage of their married life.  A need for more income sits proudly atop a stack of other issues that have accumulated over the years. There are layers. Their need for increased income has offset the balance of living a peaceable life. "Lord, please help us to pay the car payment this month" leads the litany of other wants each day. They continue to nag God for assistance for their temporal needs. Every fear spills into another pool of fear and disillusion... spilling, pouring out into an ocean of tears mixed with pain and dissatisfaction. The demands keeping a roof over their head, while raising a family has smothered out intimacy and created chasms of distance between them. She feels apathy settle in to her bones when thinking about working on the relationship and knows things have gone way to far. She feels chained to hopelessness in her marriage, while faith promises to break the chains of anger and blame which hold her hostage behind a cement wall and swirling thoughts of doubt and loneliness.

She ponders in her heart what she knows without a doubt; "The cross must be endured and perhaps this suffering in my marriage is payment for past sins..." "Perhaps I do deserve this suffering" she adds with her next breath. Purification has soon shown it's face like a hungry dog growling with an insatiable appetite. For the love of God she turns her face towards heaven and places her cares at the foot of the cross. Jesus meets her there and lifts the burden onto his battered and bloodied back. She notices that there are other marriages with Jesus on the cross. She recognizes many of them with him.  "Oh blood of Jesus, be merciful and save us" she cries. "If today I could just be grateful to live with you, I would suffer anything and it would never compare to the pain you suffered on Calvary." The loneliness I am experiencing in my marriage does not compare to the loneliness you suffered in the Garden or while in prison.


Her heart is now fixed on the one who is her salvation. Every pain in her marriage begins to diminish until she is enveloped in the love sacrifice of God. He fills her with his grace to love once again the ones who are broken and difficult to love. She can now see past the humanity and imperfection of her tired spouse. He must see her imperfections as well. Through and by the cross her vision becomes 20/20 and her love capacity stretches to eternal and infinity. Without the cross she is weak and the burden of a tired marriage is too much to bear. Through the cross and by the blood of Christ, she triumphs over pain, sadness, confusion, sin and darkness. She can forgive him, because God has forgiven her.  Mercy begets mercy and slowly there is a transformation of mind, spirit and body. She is being made new, because Hope will Triumph Infino!

Daughters on Hold

It's the start of a new day and a stop at the corner market is in order. I quickly gather into my empty hand basket, four medium sized Fuji apples, two ripened avacados, one crisp cucumber, one sun ripened tomato. Soon after, ideas for the days family meal plan begin to take form in my mind.

She stands behind the counter with pushed up sleeves of her steel blue sweatshirt that reads PRO SOCCER. I notice she is about 19 and I appreciate her hardworking and motivated disposition. I begin with a question of personal inquiry and ask her if she is going to college. To my surprise she tells me that she is not enrolled at the time, but will be starting at a  the local state college next Spring semester. She quickly adds that her boyfriend is in the army and it didn't work out for her to go this term, because she had to see him off.

Something inside me stirred with heartache and thoughts of what she was most likely suffering.  I immediately made the connection of my daughters recent battle of fighting on the home front, waiting for her best friend and 5 year long boyfriend, turned fiancee, to make it home safely. It brought me back to the numbing pain,  draining tears, and great agony of what my very own daughter,  who at the time, lived under my roof went through. I would know...I carried her.

My memory shot back to one year ago, when my daughters, now husband, left for Afghanistan. I rushed to show empathy by sharing that my daughter, who use to work across the shopping center, just got through waiting for her soldier to come home from Afghanistan and recently married him. Perhaps that news would breath a little hope into her seemingly stressed spirit.  Her eyes light up as she shares, "My boyfriend is in Afghanistan!" I purposefully looked directly into her eyes to let her know that I understand well what many would not understand. Her heart lifted for just a minute, as she retraced the last months of Skyping with her boyfriend while he was at a certain base. Trying to focus on doing her job and having her heart open at the same time when sharing took some focus. Finding the mental space to add more information she adds that the last she heard was that her boyfriend was going on a 15 day mission. She wouldn't be able to talk to him again until he got back. My sorrow was refreshed.  She pointed down with her finger and nodded her head as if to try and imagine where exactly his mission was and says "He's going South...South, somewhere South Afghanistan....

Words of encouragement flew across the counter as I grabbed my bags and ran out the door to meet my family who was waiting in the car. The morning is new, but my heart is heavy and I am reminded once again how so many of America's beautiful daughters lives are put on hold with this seemingly unending war in the Middle East. She takes it one breath at a time. She waits, but knows not if what she is waiting for will ever return.

Thou shall Not Judge...

I am trying not to judge you. It's not an easy thing to do.... But still, I am trying. That's a good thing, because understanding and empathy, listening and caring are what protect us from losing the gift of peace we now share in our relationship... Ponder this and choose L-ove O-pens the door to V-unerbility & E-mpathy ♥

One Word.

If there was one word to act upon in your life, it would be LOVE.