She awakens, rolls over slowly and faces the opposite side of the bedroom. She opens her eyes towards the doorway that is illuminated with light from the hallway just outside their bedroom. Clean shaven he walks diligently past her viewpoint dressed for work. Pressed shirt, strong tie, pressed slacks and energy in his step as he heads towards the front door to make his exit for his long commute. Today, she caught a glimpse of him, unlike other regular work days. It's been this way for years, but neither of them mention it, because there are too many more important things to discuss.
They are "doing fine" as far as anyone can see. There is food in house, the electric and phone bills got paid and she can still grab a hot cup of tea in the morning to get her going. What more would she need? She feels empty and sometimes tired and alone. How could this be when she is living the dream of being a married woman for more than 10 years and mother of growing children? This wasn't what she envisioned in years past.Distance grows between them daily, but there are plenty of distractions in the day to wear her out enough to look forward to a good night's rest. She is optimistic most days and laughs easily. Her children are active and have inquisitive minds. Their weeks are full and routine gives everyone a sense of stability. It gets easier to run away from her marriage that is struggling to survive.
Her husband was once her delight and she would proudly tell her close friends and family that he completed her. He was the one person she couldn't wait to talk to on the phone everyday, sometimes several times a day, or have come through the front door of the house from work or an outing. She celebrated that the love they had for each other was their greatest reward they could ever have in life, along with, having their own children.
She often sees him anxious to get home to take care of his own needs and to escape the outside world and the pressures of work. Stress has created a hard shell around his heart and he has lost interest in being creative about nurturing their relationship. His eyes are blurred with tension and worry in regard to his responsibilities work and being a sole provider. Worry and frustration clutter his mind and he can't see past another day of complications. She notices him on his cell phone talking about work related issues or behind his computer and there is no time for frivolity. Their conversations are mostly sterile and problem, work, and or task related.
She doesn't dream with him anymore or imagine herself with him on a tropical beach for extended periods of time. No get away weekends, flowers, coffee dates or surprise dinner dates. Those things never cross her mind. Now she dreams of when she could get a group of fun friends together and travel. Her dreams with him, earlier in the marriage, were always much bigger than the time she knew she had to accomplish them. Now they barely exist.
Too much need at the end of their paycheck was a primary pressure at this stage of their married life. A need for more income sits proudly atop a stack of other issues that have accumulated over the years. There are layers. Their need for increased income has offset the balance of living a peaceable life. "Lord, please help us to pay the car payment this month" leads the litany of other wants each day. They continue to nag God for assistance for their temporal needs. Every fear spills into another pool of fear and disillusion... spilling, pouring out into an ocean of tears mixed with pain and dissatisfaction. The demands keeping a roof over their head, while raising a family has smothered out intimacy and created chasms of distance between them. She feels apathy settle in to her bones when thinking about working on the relationship and knows things have gone way to far. She feels chained to hopelessness in her marriage, while faith promises to break the chains of anger and blame which hold her hostage behind a cement wall and swirling thoughts of doubt and loneliness.
She ponders in her heart what she knows without a doubt; "The cross must be endured and perhaps this suffering in my marriage is payment for past sins..." "Perhaps I do deserve this suffering" she adds with her next breath. Purification has soon shown it's face like a hungry dog growling with an insatiable appetite. For the love of God she turns her face towards heaven and places her cares at the foot of the cross. Jesus meets her there and lifts the burden onto his battered and bloodied back. She notices that there are other marriages with Jesus on the cross. She recognizes many of them with him. "Oh blood of Jesus, be merciful and save us" she cries. "If today I could just be grateful to live with you, I would suffer anything and it would never compare to the pain you suffered on Calvary." The loneliness I am experiencing in my marriage does not compare to the loneliness you suffered in the Garden or while in prison.
Her heart is now fixed on the one who is her salvation. Every pain in her marriage begins to diminish until she is enveloped in the love sacrifice of God. He fills her with his grace to love once again the ones who are broken and difficult to love. She can now see past the humanity and imperfection of her tired spouse. He must see her imperfections as well. Through and by the cross her vision becomes 20/20 and her love capacity stretches to eternal and infinity. Without the cross she is weak and the burden of a tired marriage is too much to bear. Through the cross and by the blood of Christ, she triumphs over pain, sadness, confusion, sin and darkness. She can forgive him, because God has forgiven her. Mercy begets mercy and slowly there is a transformation of mind, spirit and body. She is being made new, because Hope will Triumph Infino!
Friday, October 22, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Daughters on Hold
It's the start of a new day and a stop at the corner market is in order. I quickly gather into my empty hand basket, four medium sized Fuji apples, two ripened avacados, one crisp cucumber, one sun ripened tomato. Soon after, ideas for the days family meal plan begin to take form in my mind.
She stands behind the counter with pushed up sleeves of her steel blue sweatshirt that reads PRO SOCCER. I notice she is about 19 and I appreciate her hardworking and motivated disposition. I begin with a question of personal inquiry and ask her if she is going to college. To my surprise she tells me that she is not enrolled at the time, but will be starting at a the local state college next Spring semester. She quickly adds that her boyfriend is in the army and it didn't work out for her to go this term, because she had to see him off.
Something inside me stirred with heartache and thoughts of what she was most likely suffering. I immediately made the connection of my daughters recent battle of fighting on the home front, waiting for her best friend and 5 year long boyfriend, turned fiancee, to make it home safely. It brought me back to the numbing pain, draining tears, and great agony of what my very own daughter, who at the time, lived under my roof went through. I would know...I carried her.
My memory shot back to one year ago, when my daughters, now husband, left for Afghanistan. I rushed to show empathy by sharing that my daughter, who use to work across the shopping center, just got through waiting for her soldier to come home from Afghanistan and recently married him. Perhaps that news would breath a little hope into her seemingly stressed spirit. Her eyes light up as she shares, "My boyfriend is in Afghanistan!" I purposefully looked directly into her eyes to let her know that I understand well what many would not understand. Her heart lifted for just a minute, as she retraced the last months of Skyping with her boyfriend while he was at a certain base. Trying to focus on doing her job and having her heart open at the same time when sharing took some focus. Finding the mental space to add more information she adds that the last she heard was that her boyfriend was going on a 15 day mission. She wouldn't be able to talk to him again until he got back. My sorrow was refreshed. She pointed down with her finger and nodded her head as if to try and imagine where exactly his mission was and says "He's going South...South, somewhere South Afghanistan....
Words of encouragement flew across the counter as I grabbed my bags and ran out the door to meet my family who was waiting in the car. The morning is new, but my heart is heavy and I am reminded once again how so many of America's beautiful daughters lives are put on hold with this seemingly unending war in the Middle East. She takes it one breath at a time. She waits, but knows not if what she is waiting for will ever return.
She stands behind the counter with pushed up sleeves of her steel blue sweatshirt that reads PRO SOCCER. I notice she is about 19 and I appreciate her hardworking and motivated disposition. I begin with a question of personal inquiry and ask her if she is going to college. To my surprise she tells me that she is not enrolled at the time, but will be starting at a the local state college next Spring semester. She quickly adds that her boyfriend is in the army and it didn't work out for her to go this term, because she had to see him off.
Something inside me stirred with heartache and thoughts of what she was most likely suffering. I immediately made the connection of my daughters recent battle of fighting on the home front, waiting for her best friend and 5 year long boyfriend, turned fiancee, to make it home safely. It brought me back to the numbing pain, draining tears, and great agony of what my very own daughter, who at the time, lived under my roof went through. I would know...I carried her.
My memory shot back to one year ago, when my daughters, now husband, left for Afghanistan. I rushed to show empathy by sharing that my daughter, who use to work across the shopping center, just got through waiting for her soldier to come home from Afghanistan and recently married him. Perhaps that news would breath a little hope into her seemingly stressed spirit. Her eyes light up as she shares, "My boyfriend is in Afghanistan!" I purposefully looked directly into her eyes to let her know that I understand well what many would not understand. Her heart lifted for just a minute, as she retraced the last months of Skyping with her boyfriend while he was at a certain base. Trying to focus on doing her job and having her heart open at the same time when sharing took some focus. Finding the mental space to add more information she adds that the last she heard was that her boyfriend was going on a 15 day mission. She wouldn't be able to talk to him again until he got back. My sorrow was refreshed. She pointed down with her finger and nodded her head as if to try and imagine where exactly his mission was and says "He's going South...South, somewhere South Afghanistan....
Words of encouragement flew across the counter as I grabbed my bags and ran out the door to meet my family who was waiting in the car. The morning is new, but my heart is heavy and I am reminded once again how so many of America's beautiful daughters lives are put on hold with this seemingly unending war in the Middle East. She takes it one breath at a time. She waits, but knows not if what she is waiting for will ever return.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Thou shall Not Judge...
I am trying not to judge you. It's not an easy thing to do.... But still, I am trying. That's a good thing, because understanding and empathy, listening and caring are what protect us from losing the gift of peace we now share in our relationship... Ponder this and choose L-ove O-pens the door to V-unerbility & E-mpathy ♥
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)